On Friends Being Friends

The other days, I hitched a ride home with my boss at work. The nice thing about spending time with my bosses and co-workers is that most of the time (at least to my experience) they don't talk shop. They share tips on work with me, what with me being the new guy and all, but for the most part they like to talk about life in general, things outside the practice of law, and I welcome it.

Anyway, we got to talking about how I like to hang around with an old friend from law school who happens to work two buildings away from mine. We're pretty much updated on each other's professional lives; when the crap hit the fan (or at least I thought it did) at the office once, I called her up and we met at a nearby coffee shop while I vented. She found out about it before my wife did, which my wife didn't like very much.

Upon hearing this anecdote, my boss, himself a married man, shared a bit of advice though this is certainly paraphrased: avoid having "special female friends." Another way of putting it, I guess, would be that there shouldn't be any woman that I feel more comfortable talking to than my wife. There shouldn't be things that I can tell another woman that I can't tell my wife, especially if it's stuff about my wife. It hit me right away that he was right, even though, thank goodness, I hadn't reached that rather dangerous threshold just yet. But the fact that I had told another woman about something rather personal (I was feeling really crappy at the time and needed someone to listen) before my wife, who was just a cellphone call away (we're Sun subscribers, so I can't use the old "saving my load" excuse) was not good.

It hit me: how many married, or "involved" people have "special friends," that is, people they tend to approach with something before they talk to their significant others, sometimes, even without ever going to their significant others? How many people have someone like this in their lives, whether it's people they knew before they were married or people they met afterwards? Thinking about it, it's not the healthiest thing one can do for his or her own marriage, so why do so many people do it? Depending on the closeness one feels to this "special friend" it can really be a dangerous proposition. Like my boss said to me: she's still a woman.

I guess the rule of thumb, really, is avoid stocking up on things you can't tell your spouse, and not just the big no-nos like affairs and vices. I mean little things, like things that annoy you about her or him. White lies are no good, especially if you find some other outlet to bitch to about the truth.

I tend to understand why women who used to be "special friends" (but not girlfriends) with certain guys tend to shy away once the guys get married. That is a good call, even though the situation doesn't always call for them to drop out of sight altogether.

I guess the bottom line, really, is that I should be able to talk to my wife about ANYTHING. Right now, fortunately, I still am.